Tuesday, July 13, 2010

I am...

  • fierce, yet timid
  • confident, but afraid
  • happy, and discontent
  • in love, but craving more
  • know God, but hardly enough as I should
  • fulfilling dreams, keeping secrets
  • a patchwork quilt, unfinished and beautiful 
My life's path has certainly been a winding road.  Am I really almost 43 years old?  Have I learned anything worth sharing?  Along the way, I've loved & lost, stumbled & got back up, divorced & remarried. Wondered if I was the only one on Earth feeling such pain and heartache. Discovered that answered prayers, sometimes mean that the answer is No!, or not now, or be patient.  

Interestingly enough, I knew the answers to most of my questions asked.  Don't we all?  If we dig deep, we know that anything really worth it doesn't usually come easily.  It's all hard work.  The end is only glorious because of the lessons we've learned, the mountains moved and the rivers forged to get there!

There are very few who know my life's story.  I certainly keep a lot of secrets.  Or maybe it's just knowing who to share parts of my life with, who will judge, and who will accept.  Why would anyone want to share in my past pain?  Who could possibly learn from it?  Empathize?  Cast stones?  Want to read my blog?  Is it for me?  Them?  My boys or family?

I see Mommy blogging as a way to capture the essence of who we are...  who we want to be...  our dreams yet unfulfilled and lives left to live.  I find myself lost in others' stories online, relatable in some ways, distant in others, but all beautiful and living in their own unique way.  At times it feels as if I've known some of these women for years, their words spilling into my ears, about life, motherhood, children, careers ~ albeit all through only written media.  I want to reach out to these women.  Have coffee on their porch, extend a hug of familiarity, pray with them.  Share with them.

Why such longing in my life lately?  What am I missing?  So many unanswered questions.

I am.  A piece of work.

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