Parenting a Teenager

So, if we're friends on social media, you may have witnessed a little pity party by me this week.  Yes, I was feeling sorry for myself as a parent.  Truth of the matter is, I've been here before...  and while I thought it was just circumstances surrounding raising my eldest child (with a former ex), it turns out...  it was just about raising a TEENAGER.  Period.  And although I thought that I had clearly learned something from raising the first one, I'm not sure there's a manual to get through each year of each subsequent teen.  If I''m counting, I've got at least 5-7 more years of this ahead of me!

Many friends reached out when I asked for a virtual hug yesterday...  for that I am grateful.  thank you!!

I know I am not alone, regardless of circumstance or issue.  It takes a village.  We learn from one another and share in sorrows in successes, right?

And then a friend sent me an article that made it all sink in.  Reality.  In someone else's words.  I'm not alone (I knew this) in these struggles.  But to read it, and see a recent poll with findings on the subject...  well, that just opens up the world of possibilities once again.  A few excerpts below resonated with me in a way that calmed my racing heart.  I am not alone.  It's not me (or us) who are failing as parents.  Not even the collective we have the answers to raising a teenager.

"Once, I controlled the big decisions in their life," says Zeise, 39, who lives in Columbia, S.C. "Now they make decisions that can have drastic consequences. I feel like I am running out of time to teach them the important lessons they need," she writes.

How do we know we're teaching them the lessons that will stick?  If they're not responding or communicating, can we only assume?  hope?  Letting them gain wings of independence is scary.

This constant questioning and challenging can be stressful for parents, of course, but Palmiter says it's actually a healthy part of growing up, and it often means parents are doing everything right. 

And there were many late nights for Myers because, like many parents, she just couldn't fall asleep until she knew Kamron was safely home.

Sleep?  Don't' even get me started.  My FitBit can attest to the fact that I am never going to be one of those parents who can fall off into blissful sleep while their child isn't under rooftop.  My other half has absolutely no problem with that...  guess we're just wired differently?  or is it a feature of a Mom?  I don't know.  Try as I might, even with the occasional TylenolPM {don't judge}, I still cannot sleep until I know he's somewhere safe or in bed.

What's the right way to parent?  Who is to say there is a right or wrong way to a parenting style?  What's your parenting style?  Haven't we all be raised by someone(s) who have done it right, or needed some help, and haven't we taken bits and pieces of our own upbringing to model what WE will do to raise the next generation?!  I'm doing my best to find the right way to raise my children, our children, the future generation of boys.  I believe that my parenting style falls somewhere between the right-hand side of this grid.

Many psychologists say the best parents can do is making sure they have instilled positive values in their children and then just hope for the best.

hope?    Many psychologists [with many degrees] don't offer any other advice?  Sure they do. A plethora of "how to" books are available to read, appointments with aforementioned psychologists can be made, and apparently a sprinkle of hope for good measure doesn't hurt either.

Bottom line - some measurement of success - how do we know we've instilled positive values?   Appropriate positive feedback from other parents, teachers and friends who know our children, right? Grades on report cards.  Success in activities and sports.  Bonded friendships with like-minded kids in their peer groups.  I would surely hope that we're doing something right.  At least I believe that we have done just that with maboys still in our care.  So I can take a little respite and breathe a sigh of relief on the feedback received to-date.

As for dealing with their own stress, Palmiter suggests parents seek support from other parents [emphasis mine], not just about their concerns but also about decisions. He also promotes special "one on one" time with your teenager. This means "being there" completely, cellphone unplugged, talking with your teen or observing them do an activity they enjoy like drawing, shooting basketball or playing an instrument. Just one hour a week of this special time can repair major differences, Palmiter says, and bring much-needed calm to households with teens.

Many girlfriends can attest to the fact that I have sought their support and advice. Many times over the years. I've even been able to advise on some occasions as well, I guess. We're there for one another, right? In this together?  Case in point [pity party on F@cebook] and asking for help, albeit vague, to just get through another day without completly losing it.  Sometimes that is just what I need. A collective sigh of relief.  A knowing smile or hug.  Mix in some room for coffee or a glass of wine while seeking aforementioned support...  occasionally, yes, and I hope that my kids don't come out of this forray into parenting all screwed up.  My one goal.  Well, a parenting through the teenage years goal anyway.

I've also done my best to spend one on one time with each of my boys.  I take advantage of time in the car, even on short trips, to ask about their day.  I take them to special events.  I am seeking to instill positive parenting, independence and growth, every step of the way.

©shel silverstein

So...  here I am.

A new day.

Hanging onto

the knot

at the

end

of my rope

tied yesterday;

I've climbed

 halfway back up,

with the support of friends

who care...

and I boldly leap

into

 another evening

of parenting my teens!

Now off to the 4th lacrosse game of the week.


Source 

Nail on the Head

Where in the world is Waldo?  {aka Julie}

Why are the pages of this blog left aching for words?

Whatever happened to the woman who loved to share her passion of writing,
 and the loves of her life?  in words and pictures?

I believe this fellow blogger hit the nail on the head with her recent post.

and this is what I needed to hear most today:

They will remember how you loved them, how you helped them, how you sacrificed to give them a good start.

And they will thank you. 

I am feeling torn in a million directions lately.
Missing my sons who seem to pass through in the night.
Longing to hear from my eldest one.
Over-scheduled.
Stressed out.
VolunTOLD into things I heard the voices in my head decline.
And the stress...  my body aches from it.
My waistline showing the evidence of poor eating choices again.

{heavy sigh}

Alas...
this too shall pass.

I will find a happy-medium again;
balance in the Libra scales.
The snow will melt.
The tulips will bloom.

The glimmer of hope on my weekend of barely seeing my boys?
They both said, without prompting, "I love you" when they hung up the phone after asking for unscheduled sleepovers Saturday evening.

well played, boys, well played.

I'll take it.

redeemed

I haven't been feeling like I've made a difference lately in my son's life.  He didn't wish me a happy birthday (even after prompting by his father), and has been the typical teenager, pushing my buttons.  Day in, day out.  Oh, I know, highs and lows and everything in between equals a good relationship between parent and child.  I understand completely. But even "a Mom" has feelings that get stomped on and mine have been in the dirt lately with this one.

I haven't done anything differently {maybe that's the issue} lately, still by his side when he needs me, being the mom that nags reminds him about late work, braces, drives him everywhere, hands him money when he asks, allows one more sleepover even with the late homework, and generally does things for him because he's my son.  Teaching him to be responsible and independent -- that's how I see my role right now as he gets through these years in high school.  He is still working on conquering procrastination, so the constant reminding is first and foremost in our daily conversation.  We would both like that to go away, believe me.  And if you're wondering what happens if I don't remind him, well, that's just not a good approach right now.

He asked me to help with his late work in English last night (after I offered for the umpteenth time, because I actually like English and writing).  Imagine my surprise when I edited, per requirement, the first draft of his short paper and found this paragraph about his favorite things:

My mom is the most important person in my life for many reasons. Whenever I need help my mom is there for me. She knows what is right for me. We can relate because she understands my humor. In the end, my mom will always know what to do if I’m lost and gives good advice. 

How does a Mom edit that?!  {I didn't.} Did he know I would be the one to proof?  Yes, because I also wear the Homework Helper Hat.  It's nice to feel appreciated, even if after proofing it, printing it, him finalizing, and printing another copy...  he didn't acknowledge in person the words he had previously typed in draft.  Anyway, I am humbled.  I must be doing something write right in his world.  It might have just made up for ignoring my birthday. 

Oh, and if you're wondering - he's written similarly about his father in the past.  So he's an equal-opportunity writer when it comes to giving credit on parenting and relationships.

Now, don't go and blab that I blogged about this, okay?

 

 

it's a scary world out there



The Scream

No, I don't mean Scream, scary movies, or Halloween, because it is October after all.  I'm talking about raising youth today.  Being a child in this age of internet has made it even more difficult for our children to be who they are without being judged, picked on, finding ways to compare themselves, or even find positive role models (not Miley or the Biebs).  Let's just say that I am soooooo very thankful I'm raising boys, but that doesn't mean it's any easier. 

I read an article last Sunday that scared the wits out of me. It should scare anyone out there raising children today, because if you're not aware or think it cannot happen to your child...  think again.

But in combating cyberbullying, which experts say has become the most prevalent form of bullying, law enforcement and school officials face an ever-changing challenge: The cruel messages and pictures Ivy received arrived on websites like Ask.fm, Snapchat, Instagram and Kik — relatively new sites that have been linked nationally to teen suicides but remain foreign to many adults.

We had a discussion about this topic while standing in line to eat dinner at church last night; it got quite interesting as it went along.  It began as almost any other in our house...  "did you see the story about..." and "are you using this app?  do you have a user-name or account?  what is it?"  You see, while my boys may think it's nagging or intrusive that I'm always inquiring for their passwords and watching their online activity, I call it thoughtful, thorough and aware parenting.  I will be there to monitor their use, step in when I see a need, or otherwise caution them where I see a friend who may be abusing cyberspace.  

Oliver then told me he was asked to wear orange to school today.  There's extra credit involved, of course, but he would have done it anyway.  The kids in middle school were also given bracelets for the anti-bullying message the school district is pushing through the ranks.  You see, in addition to Breast Cancer Awareness Month, it's now also National Bullying Prevention Month.  There doesn't seem to be enough months in a year to keep up with all of the causes, does there?  I know there are many who may think that this is just one more cause being shoved in our face, but for me, it's one more opportunity to make a difference.  Especially in the lives of ma boys!

My employer is also on board with the message this month.  Raise a Giant. Sponsored by the Jolly Green, of course.  Who better to stand up to bullying, right?  We were handed this sticker to wear as we walked into work today.

I penned {okay, typed on the computer} a letter to my boys earlier last month before this campaign was launched.  Here's my words to My Son, all three of them.  I created a letter from the heart, my heart, and hope that someday these words will echo in their ears and ring true to the young men they will have become.  My boys are all on the cusp of a birthday this winter...  they will be 13, 15 and 21.  Each stage of these ages are ripe with facing challenges, making choices, and forming their minds and hearts. As I see it, the best birthday gift I can give them is my wisdom, love and support.

 

Will you write a letter to your child?  A niece/nephew?  Grandchild?  You can do it here.  Add your voice to the crowd of loved ones who wish only the best for future generations.

youth in confirmation

A little behind on blogging, so bear with me if it seems scattered in the coming weeks.

Henry is in his final year of confirmation classes, Oliver has just begun.  They attend confirmation on Wednesday evenings, give back to church with their time every Sunday (Henry: Grace Place assistant; Oliver: usher at early service), in addition to other education received and stewardship projects throughout the year.  Every fall they kick-off with both parents and kids in attendance.  This year was no different, except for the fact that it was...  in that there is a whole "changing of the guard" at Calvary.  The staff has almost completely turned over recently or changed roles, including the youth directors.  I was a little hesitant and anxious when we sat in the pew last month.  The first talk, however, went well and I took a few notes to keep us all reminded of some mini-goals in parenting and relating to one another. 

WNL 2013-2014  9/10/13

---

Students, Things your parents want you to know:

• See me as a grown up - treat me like an adult comes with expectations
• Honor your parents; Ephesians 6:1 "how you treat your mom is the best indicator to the one you will date in how you will treat a future relationship"
• They want to hear the words "I love you" (out of the overflow of our heart that our mouths speak)
• They want you to talk and use your words (have Grace for your parents)
• Let your parents do their jobs - look out for you.

Parents, Things your kids want you to know:

• Don't ever say again, "I know what it's like to be your age" (you don't in 2014)
• Talk on their schedule (not after school, sports, etc); it's probably right before you're going to bed and they're wired
• Listen more than talk (80/20); what if you surprise them with kindness {my words}; the consequence is never our relationship.
• Keep it confidential; pray about it (Ruth Graham's way of parenting).  Not everything your child does needs to be broadcast.
• Work on your poker face - they need to know they can tell you anything; you won't freak out.
• Admit when you're wrong.

Looking forward to another year of educating ma boys in faith, and allowing them to make the choice of confirmation at the end of these years.  If Henry chooses to be confirmed, it will happen a year from now, October 2014.

parenting teenage boys: raising them my way

Dear Son,
When I was a kid....  yadda yadda yadda.  I know, I know, you don't want to hear that, especially when this type of technology was in its infancy state when I had a similar plea for my parents.  I didn't have a cell phone attached to my hip because, quite frankly, they were too large and expensive back then.  The image on the right actually shows a phone that was in my car once upon a time.  Having a cell phone wasn't the norm.  My parents knew where I was and I knew my responsibility to call them if I changed locations, as teens often do.

This is how I keep track of my you now when you call me. You use friends' phones, and I have all of their numbers programmed into my phone.  Have you figured it out yet? I am that Mom.  You know, the one whose families don't ruin their lives by not keeping up with the Jonses* and the latest "gotta have".  That's right, I'm the mean mom, I have not purchased you your own phone yet. Yes, I'm aware you are in the minority going into high school. 


You see, while I understand your desire to have a phone, it's not just a phone you want.  You won't actually use it to CALL anyone. You want a smart phone that also texts, snapchats, takes pictures, etc.  I get it.  However, our house phone is a cell phone, so you have one if you need it. Basic, no texting. I don't see a need for anything else at 14 when you cannot have it school, nor work a job to help afford it.

Both of you have ipods, purchased new last Christmas.  Are they the wifi ones?  No, but aren't most places wifi capable now?  Again, the cost of paying for wifi on an ipod seemed a bit ridiculous.

So where does that leave us?  With a very powerful teaching moment to show how responsibility equals opportunity, not everything you desire is fulfilled by wishing for it, and good things come to those who wait.  Oh, and working hard to earn the dollar to help pay for the phone, service and insurance (because yeah, you're teens and the last house cell phone jumped into the city pool, remember?), makes the reward all the sweeter.

"No one ever said life was fair," said my parents.  I'm passing that one down in a completely different day and age, but the statement still rings true.  If we don't take this time to teach value, responsibility and ownership, the lesson will be lost on the {whatever generation this is} and we know that bratty, entitled kids = incorrigible adults.

Just doing my part to raise the next generation. You'll thank me someday.  I promise. 

Love,
Mom

*No children shall be harmed or called out in the writing of this Dear Son letter. 
I am not comparing any friends of my sons' or their parents in this analogy.