Once Upon a Time...

...there was a little boy that called me Mom.

He was a big brother to Henry and Oliver, who both looked upon him with adoration.

I haven't heard from him in over a year, but I will be sending good wishes and prayers his way today.

Happy 24th Birthday, my son.

Love,

Mom  xo

Happy 22nd Birthday!

Thinking of you today, Alek, and wishing you a wonderful year ahead!

May you find happiness, love and joy.  Missing you.

Cannot believe you're 22 years old already.
Where does the time go?

Happy Birthday, my son.

I love you,

Mom  xxoo

The three amgios.

Your brothers miss you too.

dearest son

Twenty-one!

“I’ll love you forever,

I’ll like you for always,

as long as I’m living

my baby you’ll be.”

Happy 21st Birthday, Alek! 

Wherever you are and whatever you're doing, 

you're on my mind today more than ever. 

May you be blessed.

I love you.

~ Mom xo

missing him

mother of a boy

Be careful with your heart, they say.
A boy might break it someday.

Be cautious what you share, they say.
You may never get it back.

Boys are tricky and icky, they say.
Don’t ever get too close.

Unfortunately, these rules don’t hold true
when the BOY they’re talking about is a SON.

I gave my heart.
I shared it all.
I fell in love.

… but ...
something happened
I could not change,
and now,
a piece of me is missing.
I’ve been left with a broken heart,
shared all that I could possibly share,
and got closer than I dare admit.

The heartache hasn’t gotten any less,
maybe just less obvious on the outside.

Maybe someday…

he will understand,
know a mother’s love is endless, and
want a relationship with me… with his brothers.

I miss my boy.
He turns 20 today.
I miss him more than words can say.



Happy Birthday, Alek!

Love,
Mom xo

my love{s}

Happy Valentine's Day, my loves...

"if there ever comes a day when we can't be together,
keep me in your heart and i'll stay there forever"

-winnie the pooh

you are my sunshine, my only sunshine,

you make me happy

when skies are gray

you'll never know dear{s}

how much I love you...

please don't take my sunshine away!

today: nineteen.

Just another day
to most.  Today.

To me, the day
I gave you life.

Into this world,
hope & dreams.

My future.
Your future.

Your giggle and smile.

Such a beautiful
little boy.

Blonde hair.
Blue eyes.

All a mother
could ask for.

Full of hope.

You grew.  Changed. 
Grew some more.

The way you looked
UP to me

has since changed to me

looking UP at you.

I did my best

to teach you.

to love you. 
to protect you.

Will it sink in someday? 
The truth. 
The love.
The sacrifice.

Missing you.

Oh wayward son,
how I miss you.

Will my heart ache this time each year?

I pray for healing.  His healing of your heart.

The One you choose not to believe in.

Even now.  I pray.  I love you.

Happy Birthday.

I'll love you forever,

I'll like you for always,

As long as I'm living,

My baby you'll be.

Unexpected Visitor

Alek stopped by the house yesterday... towering over all of us he is now 6'4" tall. He stayed long enough to chat for a few minutes and tell us he is going to school at MCTC for psychology. So nice to hear that Alek is inspired to continue his education.

Waiting to exhale...

I've been waiting a long time for this day to come... 

to finally say HE DID IT!!

Congratulations son, on your first big leap towards success. Wishing you all the best in life and I sincerely hope you receive all the happiness in the world.

Love,
Mom

He did it...

I heard {through the grapevine} that Alek attended his A-school graduation today!  He buckled down, had perfect attendance, and finished his high school years out with gusto!!

I couldn't be more proud.  Way to go, Alek!

Class of 2011 grads by the numbers

Robbinsdale Armstrong High School: 475

"A" School:  38

Highest Honors (Top 1% of class): 15

High Honors (Top 10% of class): 78

Honors: (Top 20% of class): 137

GPA  3.0 and up: 372

Continuing to post-secondary education: 90%

Total scholarships earned, Armstrong: $2.3 million

(All numbers estimated at time of publication)

Missing a piece of my heart

Dear Son,

Unless you've been in my shoes, I don't think you can understand the heartache I feel or begin to understand the sacrifices I've made for you.  To know you're out there and choosing to ignore me.  It hurts.  Just because you've chosen to no longer be my son does not mean I have chosen to stop being your Mom. 

I still love you.

~ Mom

Happy 18th Birthday, sweet child of mine...

How is it possible that I'm the mother of an adult child?!

Where did the time go?

I realize that it wasn't yesterday that I gave birth to my first son, but time sure did pass by quickly, and I cannot believe he is now 18!  He has turned into a very handsome young man.  He has gotten his priorities in order and I am very proud of him!

Happy Birthday, Alek!

I love you lots,
Mom xo

All Grown Up!

Where did my baby go? Who is this young man with facial hair and a pierced nose who seems to be approaching 18 at warp speed that we hardly recognize him at first glance?

I think that I have prayed for this kid more than I've prayed for anything else in my life.  My first born.  Such a pip-squeak at birth measuring 19" and now towering over me at 6'1".  What will he do with his life after high school?  Will his burden be light and his road paved with opportunities?  Will he choose wisely?

Letting go these past nine months has been easier than I thought it would be, but that doesn't mean I don't miss him on a daily basis. 

Hellooooo, where are you?

I miss my eldest son.  His beautiful smile and quirky sense of humor.  His towering height, inherited from my side of the family.  Just typing this, my eyes well up with tears and my heart is in my throat.  Maybe I won't be able to blog about it after all.  Those of you who know me well, know that the decision to finally let go last winter was not an easy one. But for the sake of everyone's sanity, it was the right time and the right decision.  It still is.  That doesn't change me from missing the little things that were good.

I have been reaching out in the only way I know how...  and there has been no reply.  My calls and emails echo back to me as if bouncing back from a cavernous valley.  Somewhere deep within, I need to continue to find ways to be at peace with this...  lack of knowledge, communication, and worry is not good.

As he enters his final year of high school (again, I can only hope, as I've heard nothing) this fall, the final frontier and launching pad of all that I could have done to help him succeed also weighs heavy on my heart.

Did he learn anything?

Did I do enough?

Will he be able to succeed in life, without his father's help someday?

Does he know that he can reach out to his Mom, even now?

Perhaps people think I'm crazy when I say that I will celebrate his graduation next year - with or without him.  But I feel as if all that I've invested over the years, surely that alone is worthy of a celebration in its own right. 

Alek will be considered the legal age of an adult come December.  Will he catch up in credits and graduate with his class?  He has also had the right to choose to drop out of school since last year.  And although I hear nothing from him lately, I still have faith that somewhere inside he knows the importance of a high school diploma.  Even if he's no longer listening to me, I know that he has a very good friend that has had an influence on him (good and bad), who will be going on to trade school in 2011.  Hopefully, all that is good in that friendship has rubbed off on my son too!        I pray.

All that I have, I have given to you, son.  I miss you.

Love,

Mom 

...wordless wednesday...

In mourning for normal

Strange title, I must admit, but I don't know how else to sum it up.  Friends and relatives are posting pictures of their adorable, lovely & handsome children all dressed up for prom.  The smiles and experiences those kids are having...  heck, the parents are having.  It brings back fond memories of my own high school years, why wouldn't it?  And why wouldn't I want to be the one with tears in my eye as I take pictures and send my son off with a girl on his arm for this right & passage of adolescence. 

I can only pray that I will experience normal a year from now...  and watch my son walk across stage to graduate.  Even if he chooses not to walk, at least to know that he did it!  After all we, and yes, I mean WE, struggled through to get him this far...  I hope for some sense of normal.

And I pray.

17 years ago today...

Dear Alek, As your mother I will always want what's best for you and want to see good in all that you do. As you grow older now and branch out on your own, I would like for you to take the time to sit and decide who you really are inside.

Ask yourself - "Where do I plan to be a few years?" and then make a plan to get there.  Dig deep and find the answer within your heart and soul.  Be true to yourself and do not forget to ask for guidance along the way. Always remember that life is what YOU make it.  

And always remember, I love you.
Happy Birthday Alek!

"Don't cry because it's over.  Smile because it happened."  ~ Dr. Seuss

Every year around the cusp of Alek's birthday since he was 14, he gets antsy about his living arrangements.  A few years ago we changed those living arrangements to be 50/50 between households.  This year, it just wasn't enough.  So as of yesterday, Alek is now living full-time at his father's house in Crystal. 

If you want to keep in touch with Alek, let me know and I will get you his phone number and/or email address.  I've asked him to call and we will have Sunday dinner together on occasion, but I'm not sure what the future holds.  I am weary and tired of all that lead up to this decision and look forward to a less strained (hopeful) relationship.  I have learned that there are times in our lives when we just need to "let go and let God."  This is one of those times.

I am very thankful for all the support, love and prayers that surround us in this time of transition and change.  Keep 'em coming.  This is also a time for renewal and healing.  For every one of us involved. 

My wish for Alek is that he continue to stay focused on his studies and graduate with his class in June 2011.  That he begin to find himself and develop WHO it is he wants to become as a young adult. 

I love you, Alek.
Mom  xo

Entertain me, Mom!

Every other week Alek waltzes in and out of our lives and every other week he wants to know what's in it for him...

So today I sent him an email and after rereading it, thought it kind of entertaining and thought I'd share it with all of you. I don't ask much for room and board, do I? Can you relate?

to your question, "What are we going to do tonight?"

YOUR answer:

Please begin cleaning your room. You already missed trash day, so you can bring out whatever you have into the kitchen garbage and from there, the garage. Bring all of your laundry and the pile of towels to the basement and sort it into two piles (your clothes and towels) and I'll start the loads when I get home.


Please do not take any new towels out of the linen closet and add them to your pile. I would prefer you use only ONE towel and hang it up each week over the upstairs towel bar (at the back of the tub, I'll make sure that's yours starting today)...


Your Saturday plans and overnight depends on your room being clean.

If you finish this and don't need a nap, you can see about unloading the dishwasher and reloading if it hasn't been done.


That should keep you busy and not napping - until I get home. Then you can help me with dinner.

Look who got a haircut?!